the space to choose

All my life I have been waiting for my teacher to turn around from his office desk and notice me.

I have been waiting for my step-dad to come back.

for my mom to relax and look me in the eye.

for Justin to call and say he has not forgotten.

and in this waiting
all my life,
I have been turning towards people turning away---

paralyzed by the feeling that they will someday magically turn around and become present...
available.

This was love, as I knew it------waiting.

and while I waited, I would
sing pretty songs
write poems
dance
jump up and down.

sometimes I would do very LOUD things
so that I would become noticed.

all the while
I was looking towards them
in order to feel my self-worth.

Every person I've ever "loved" perfectly fit this pattern.

they were lost in deep intrigue

and I..

was lost in them.

there was no other way to look.
there was no other way to be.

but a fragile little girl
waiting to be seen.

The past 6 months I have endured the most painful and challenging physical injuries of my life.

Pain that reflects a life-time of leaving my self, ignoring my traumas, only to relive them over and over again,
pouring my love into someone
that wasn't there.

To avoid feeling my deep abandonment trauma from childhood

I abandoned myself!!!!

For different periods of my life, I was with my pain. with my past.
and found gentle ways to hold myself.

But in the past 2 months, I have been deeply blessed to have found a healer.

A deep tissue massage therapist that has been massaging and creating new pathways...
relieving frozen muscles that have been there for years, buried deeply.

Liz has been digging and digging through stories of my past--
opening up hidden pain that was locked away from me---
creating pathways through muscles knotted together from years of trying to defend.

all these little muscle groups and ligaments which need space between them in order to respond efficiently were instead entangled into a giant mass of tension.

Liz dug deep into my body and found the long forgotten pathways between the over-used block of muscles. This new space in my body extends into my entire psyche.

I don't have to be locked into a pattern of being that has tried to define itself as me.

there is suddenly space.

space to choose.

With my new body that Liz is helping to sculpt, I am moving slowly and gracefully around in life fully aware of my fragility...
treating my body with the tenderness and presence for which I was always longing.

Through my Alexander Technique lessons, I am learning a new way to experience my body...
to let go of tension
to move efficiently
to hold, but not grip.

I am learning about how the beautiful parts make up my whole, and how to free them of eachother so that the muscles can collaborate but not clench together.

With this new way of gliding through the world I am well aware of the ways I used to stress my muscles unconsciously while not being present in my body.

There is space now to choose an easier way of moving and being.

I find myself leaning towards ways that will nurture me.

I am leaning towards love.

and I realize that a person that is
emotionally unavailable,
too busy for me,
not wanting to give,
not totally into me....

this person is NOT attractive!

It is simple!
I now have the CHOICE to not focus my energy on someone who is distant.

I will only let people into my inner-being who are giving and loving to me.

Before,  I didn't think I had options to whom I was attracted,
but I DO.

and the choice is SO SO SO SO
simple.

As I tend to beautiful vegetables in my garden,
I also take them into my being...

slowly and lovingly.

They give energy to me.



same with romance.


If you are turned away from me
I will NOT be there waiting for you to love me.

For I am turned towards ME...

towards love.

and I promise to not turn away from myself
EVER AGAIN.



To any lover and friend of mine:

if we are to share our bodies together---

let it be mutual.

let it be a balance of self-love and shared love.

let us express together
our depth
our hunger
our light.