lost chance

remember that day we almost fell in love?

everything we said brought us closer to eachother,
revealed our shared understanding...
our mutal awe of the forest
our similar experience spent being alone
in silence

our similar fear of intimacy.

for a moment
(however short)
we trusted eachother enough to unite our presence
and let our long walk in the woods
be just one walk...
one experience.

but it was just a glimpse.


is that how it is?

there are moments of feeling open,
but many many more moments of feeling doubt?

how do 2 people choose to try to remain open to eachother?

and what happened to our chance?
at what point did we miss the turn on our path
that would continue to bring us closer?

was it something we both decided
or casually overlooked?

today I tried walking back to that trail you took me on in the Black Forest--
to find the moment we steered off in the wrong direction.

I tried
but couldn't retrace our steps.

So then I tried to find a new path---
maybe I would see, at least,
a place where lovers pause
to take in the view.

if I found this place---maybe there would also be a sign---a code---to tell me how it works
how 2 people find eachother
and decide to keep finding eachother.

but the more I kept looking for our lost chance
or other people's chances,
the more lost I got...
deeper and deeper in the forest.

I panicked.
frightened and overwhelmed I  found myself in the middle of the thick, dark pines.

A woman, walking her dog, saw my fear.

I told her----I am lost.

I really wanted to say--
I'm scared.

I'm alone.

and I'm scared I'll be alone for the rest of my life.

and I have no idea where I'm going.

She asked me where I wanted to go.
I wanted to answer...
somewhere safe
somewhere that I'm known.

I said---I wasn't sure where I needed to go, but I just wanted to make sure I wasn't on the wrong path.
because, I'm alone in these woods.

she told me,
actually---
any of these paths would be fine.

they all lead down the mountain, out of the forest, and into town.

it doesn't matter which one I choose.

---

I finally made my way out of the woods.
I realized at the end that she stayed close behind me to make sure I would find my way.

and here I am back in town.

If I made it so far today by myself
I think I can make it tomorrow
and the next
and the next.

and even though I'm walking alone,
maybe the woman is still behind,
slowly watching...
knowing I am safe...

I am fine.