sometimes faith is desperation

today
I cannot bear the weight of the world.

it's a miracle I rose at all
into the day

despite the clawing at my chest
drawing me lower to the ground.

I want to help fight oppression in the world,
but sometimes
I fall victim to my own depression
and cannot lift myself above my grief.

today
I want to give up.

I saw a church sign that said:

sometimes faith is desperation

and that I understand.

well,

I understand desperation,
and I am slowly remembering faith.

it is desperation that knocks me to the ground

strangling my throat, so I can barely breathe...

covering my eyes, so I can't remember anything but this...

stifling my voice, so I can't scream for help,
or even just ask someone
to listen
to understand.

when I am completely weighed down by sadness
squeezing all of my life force,

it is then
within my GASP
that I know I must keep breathing.

I must keep choosing life.

no one else will choose for me.

and this is my faith---

that I will continue to fight for my life.

I will continue to rise
even while
spirals of hopelessness
pull me down...

crushing my face onto the earth.


I will rise
with soil pressed against my cheek...

staggering,
stumbling
into the world
full of other wailing souls.

will we find eachother?
and hold our struggle together?

this
is my one constant prayer.

please
let us come together in this life.